I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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