I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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