i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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