so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
True strength comes from lack of pants
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
