I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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