I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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