Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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