Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
