you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
