he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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