I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
