I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize