I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
