The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He felt like a one man threesome
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
