When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
