TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
