Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
