someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
