i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
