my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
