i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
