Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
