my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
