i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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