my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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