Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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