Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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