I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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