how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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