omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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