Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
