My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
