dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
