Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
