My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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