Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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