dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
