yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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