I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
