Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
"it" just moved
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
