just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
