I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
