I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
