You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
