"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
