Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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