im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just pee around me
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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