Pants 0. Shit 1.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
