I accidentally had phone sex last night
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize