Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
