A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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