How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
