I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
