Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize