took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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