Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
