Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
