based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I can't turn off my feet"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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