one two three fourrrrnication!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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