I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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