Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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