The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
